INT: JEFF'S OFFICE
JEFF
You know, Lar, I really think you
should do this Vanity Fair thing. It
would be good PR for you.
INT: LARRY'S CAR
Larry is on his cell phone.
LARRY
I don't know. It just seems so...Hollywood.
JEFF
Goddamn right it's Hollywood. That's
why you gotta do it. This is
Hollywood, man. People need to see
you're more than just Seinfeld,
right?
LARRY
There is more to me than Seinfeld.
JEFF
Not according to your resume, champ.
It's just a short little profile. A teeny profile.
Where you live, what you do, you know
the drill.
LARRY
(beat)
I don't need the PR hype, but I'll ask
Sheryl.
INT: JEFF'S OFFICE
JEFF
I already asked her. She loves the
idea.
LARRY
Oh she does, does she?
JEFF
(laughing)
Yeah, she does actually.
LARRY
This is amazing. I can ask her twenty
questions in a row, she says no. But
you ask her one and she says yes. I
don't know how you do it.
JEFF
That's my job.
LARRY
So who's the reporter?
JEFF
Her name is Vicki Wendell. She's
doing me a favor. She did that piece on
Brad Pitt everyone says helped him
land the Tarantino film.
LARRY
Fine, fine. Book it. I'll-
JEFF
(interrupting)
I did.
LARRY
You did?
JEFF
Clear your calendar today. She'll be
there with a photographer around 3.
INT: LARRY'S CAR
LARRY
Today? How did you know I'd be free today?
JEFF
You're free every day.
LARRY
What do you need me for? Between you
and my wife, my career is covered. You
might as well just write my scripts as
well.
JEFF
You're welcome. I'll call you later.
EXT: LARRY'S HOUSE
LARRY CLOSES HIS CELL PHONE AND PULLS IN TO THE DRIVEWAY. HIS
10 YEAR-OLD NEIGHBOR, JESSICA, HAS A LEMONADE STAND SET UP
IN FRONT OF HIS HOUSE.
JESSICA
Excuse me, Mr. David. Would you like a
glass of lemonade?
LARRY
Sure. I need a little tarty treat. How much is it
going for these days?
JESSICA
Five dollars.
LARRY
Five bucks? Jeez, for a Dixie cup full of
lemonade? Kinda steep, don't you
think?
JESSICA
It's for a good cause.
LARRY
Oh yeah, what's the cause?
JESSICA
I'm raising my own shopping money so I
can get two bathing suits at
Abercrombie & Fitch for this Summer
instead of just one.
LARRY
You're right. That is a good cause. I
mean, you are indirectly supporting
the nine year-olds in Indonesia that
sewed the suits too, right?
(he digs in his wallet)
JESSICA
Our maid made it herself. It's good.
LARRY
Well in that case...look, I'm a bit
low on cash, do you take Visa?
JESSICA
Cash only. And I don't give change.
LARRY
You're going to make some guy very
happy some day, I can tell. Save me a
big cup, I'll be right back.
JESSICA
They're all the same size.
LARRY WALKS UP HIS DRIVEWAY.
LARRY
(mimics)
"They're all the same size." Wait till she
hits puberty. We'll see about that.
INT: LARRY'S HOUSE
LARRY WALKS IN AND SHERYL IS AT THE WINDOW WITH A PAIR OF
BINOCULARS.
SHERYL
You didn't buy anything from that
tramp, did you?
LARRY
Tramp? She's 10. She can't be a tramp
for at least three more years.
SHERYL
Larry, Vanity Fair is going to be here
in less than an hour.
LARRY
I know. I can't believe you said
"yes." We don't even read Vanity Fair.
SHERYL
It doesn't matter. I've always wanted
to be featured in a magazine. They're
obviously going to want to take a
picture of the outside of our house.
We can't have that little -- that
bitch -- hawking lemonade. It'll look
ridiculous!
LARRY
What do you want me to do? Go out and
beat her with a baseball bat?
SHERYL
I don't know. I already tried asking
her nicely and she said her grandma
wears these shoes. Do whatever you
have to do. I don't want her there
when the photographer arrives.
EXT: LARRY'S HOUSE -- MOMENTS LATER
LARRY WALKS DOWN THE DRIVEWAY.
JESSICA
Do you have the 5 dollars?
LARRY
Yeah, about that.
(he pulls out a 20)
If I give you this 20 dollar bill, would
you consider closing up shop for the day?
JESSICA
No way! Each suit is $180.
LARRY
That's crazy!
JESSICA
You're crazy!
LARRY LOOKS LIKE HE WANTS TO PUNCH HER.
LARRY
How about this? Why don't you set up
across the street? Or in front of your
house?
A JAGUAR PULLS UP AND ROLLS DOWN THE WINDOW.
DRIVER
How much?
JESSICA
Two dollars.
DRIVER
I'll take two.
LARRY
Two dollars? You told me it was five.
JESSICA
For you, it is.
(to Driver)
Thank you so much.
DRIVER
This is great. Good luck! You have a
perfect location.
LARRY
Why is it five for me?
JESSICA
Because I don't like you.
LARRY
I don't believe this! You're in front
of my house, and we're having people
come to photograph it--you know I
could charge you rent for selling
lemonade on my property.
JESSICA
I'm on the sidewalk. It's public
property.
LARRY
(blurts)
Vanity Fair! Do you read Vanity Fair?
JESSICA
No.
LARRY
Me neither, but everyone else does. So
if you would please just take this
twenty dollars. You can come back
tomorrow.
JESSICA
Are you trying to make me cry?
LARRY
Are you trying to make me cry?
HE WALKS BACK UP THE DRIVEWAY.
INT: LARRY'S HOUSE
SHERYL
So?
LARRY
No go.
SHERYL
What happened?
LARRY
She's crafty...that little...tramp.
SHERYL
What should we do?
LARRY
I don't know...maybe we can just have
them take pictures inside?
SHERYL
Larry, come on.
LARRY
We could call the police and give them
an anonymous tip?
SHERYL
Here's the phone. Call.
SHE THROWS HIM THE CORDLESS PHONE.
LARRY
Are you serious?
SHERYL
Do it.
LARRY
911? Really?
HE DIALS.
LARRY
Hello? Yes, this is-I'm calling about
a pesky little girl who
is...loitering. Yes, she's loitering.
In front of my house.
SHERYL THROWS HIM A LOOK. SHAKES HER HEAD FRANTICALLY.
LARRY (CONT'D)
Well, not in front of my house. Just
in the neighborhood...that I was
driving through. It didn't look right. I
don't know, after 9/11...I rather be
safe than sorry. 751 Oak between Sunset and Wilshire.
HE HANGS UP.
LARRY (CONT'D)
They should be here soon.
SHERYL
Great. Now clean up this living room.
INT: LARRY'S HOUSE - LATER
THE DOORBELL RINGS.
SHERYL (O.S.)
They're here. Get the door.
LARRY SHUFFLES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. THERE'S A POLICE
OFFICER, HIS ANGRY NEIGHBOR, AND THE NEIGHBOR'S DAUGHTER,
JESSICA.
NEIGHBOR
Are you the one that called the cops
on my kid and her lemonade stand?
LARRY
Me? No. I...it might have been my
wife.
POLICEWOMAN
We had a report of a young female,
aged 10, loitering in front of the
property at this address.
NEIGHBOR
What's your problem, David? You hate
kids? Are you kid-phobic?
LARRY
No, I love kids. It's just that I
have this interview in a little bit--
NEIGHBOR
Go ahead, sneeze on him, Jessica.
THE LITTLE GIRL STEPS FORWARD AND SNEEZES ON LARRY.
LARRY
What the-? That's disgusting! Officer,
you saw that. Do something!
POLICEWOMAN
People sneeze, sir. There's no law
against it.
LARRY
Sheryl!
INT: LARRY'S HOUSE - LATER
LARRY, VICKI FROM VANITY FAIR AND SHERYL SIT IN THE LIVING
ROOM.
VICKI
So Larry, tell me what it was like
working with Jerry Seinfeld?
LARRY
Oh, Jerry's great. But there's a lot
more to me than just "Seinfeld."
VICKI
I'm sure. What about Julie Louis-Dreyfus?
LARRY
I loved writing Seinfeld, but now I live
a normal life, too. I mean, take for instance
what happened earlier today...
FADE TO:
INT: LARRY'S LIVING ROOM
LARRY IS READING THE VANITY FAIR ARTICLE TO SHERYL. HIS NOSE IS
STUFFY.
LARRY
"...and that 'little bitch' couldn't
sell her lemonade across the street? I
mean, what gives?"
SHERYL
But the pictures of the house look
nice.
LARRY
How could they print this? We're gonna
get kicked out of the neighborhood!
It's outrageous.
SHERYL
What are you gonna do?
LARRY
Well for starters, I'm going deny I
ever said it.
SHERYL
She recorded the whole thing.
LARRY
You know, you're the one who called
her a 'little bitch' to begin with.
SHERYL
I said it to you, not the reporter. I
can't believe you said that on the
record.
LARRY
I don't know. You put the thought in
my head, and then she sneezed...and
did you notice how she didn't include
the part where that girl sneezed on
me?
SHERYL
You should just go over to the
Jeffries and apologize.
LARRY
Can't we just move?
SHERYL
We're not moving again. How about this: Why
don't you go out and get her the
bathing suits she wanted and bring
them over.
LARRY
They're $180! Each!
SHERYL
Larry, you have to make it up to them.
That's a horrible thing to say. I mean
if you've got a better idea...
LARRY
Fine, I'll get the suits. But I'm not
apologizing.
INT: CAR
LARRY PICKS UP HIS CELL PHONE AND DIALS.
INT: JEFF'S OFFICE
JEFF
Yeah?
LARRY
I owe you one.
INTERCHANGE BETWEEN THE TWO LOCALES.
JEFF
Great article, Lar. You were right,
you don't need any publicity.
LARRY
It was this whole thing...
JEFF
Yeah, you called a 10 year-old a
'bitch' in an international magazine.
What am I missing?
LARRY
I was misquoted. And she sneezed on
me! Anyway, I'm coming to pick you up.
JEFF
You should be heading out of town.
Who's going to sign a deal with you
now? You're the 'kid-hater.'
LARRY
I am not! Sheryl thinks I can buy the
girl off. We're going to the mall.
JEFF
I'm not going with you.
LARRY
This whole thing was your idea!
Remember, you're doing this for my
career. What happened to that?
JEFF
I'll meet you downstairs. But just
because we're friends and I need to
duck out of the office for a bit. This
isn't an admission of guilt.
EXT: BEVERLY CENTER
ESTABLISHING
INT: BEVERLY CENTER - ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH
LARRY AND JEFF PERUSE THE LITTLE GIRL BATHING SUITS.
JEFF
(looking around)
They think we're pedophiles.
LARRY
They do not think we're pedophiles.
A SALESPERSON COMES OVER.
SALESPERSON
Can I help you find something for your
daughters?
LARRY
We don't have daughters.
HE GIVES THEM THE 'PEDOPHILE' LOOK.
LARRY (CONT'D)
(quickly)
We're not pedophiles.
JEFF
Oh Jesus, Larry. Did you have to say
that?
LARRY
Well we're not.
JEFF
Yeah, but now that you said it he
probably thinks we are.
SALESPERSON
Hey, no. Whatever.
LARRY
No, we're buying it for my 10 year-old
neighbor.
(beat)
It was my wife's idea.
SEVERAL NEARBY PARENTS HEAR THIS AND WATCH WITH HORROR.
JEFF
Much better. Just pick one out and
let's get out of here.
LARRY
I'm looking for your two $180.00
suits.
SALESPERSON
They all start at $180.
LARRY
$180 for this? You've gotta be
kidding. I'm in the wrong business. I
should be selling pieces of cloth at
for 180 bucks.
JEFF PICKS ONE OUT.
JEFF
How's this?
LARRY
No, I don't think red is her color.
JEFF
Who are you all of a sudden, Tim Gunn?
LARRY
She's got red hair. Red doesn't go
with red.
(to Salesperson)
Am I right?
JEFF
The question is: Are you straight?
LARRY
Knock it off.
SALESPERSON
Why don't you just take these two. I'm
sure she'll like them.
LARRY
Fine, but if she doesn't, she can come
back and exchange them, right?
SALESPERSON
Of course.
INT: ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH, REGISTER
CASHIER
Will these little girl swimsuits be
all for you two gentlemen today?
LARRY
Yes.
CASHIER
Great. Your daughter will really like
these. They're very cute.
LARRY
They're not for my daughter. They're
for my neighbor.
SHE FLASHES HIM A WEIRD LOOK.
JEFF
They are!
(to Larry)
Do you have to keep saying that?
EVERYONE WATCHES THEM AS THEY EXIT.
EXT: ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH
LARRY
That went well.
JEFF
I'm never coming back to this mall
again.
EXT: NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE
LARRY APPROACHES THE HOUSE. THEIR LITTLE SHITZU RUNS OUT AND
STARTS BARKING IN CIRCLES AROUND HIM. HE FINALLY RINGS THE
BELL. THE NEIGHBOR OPENS THE DOOR.
NEIGHBOR
What do you want, David?
LARRY
I came to apologize. That whole thing
in the magazine, I was misquoted.
NEIGHBOR
(glaring)
Oh yeah?
LARRY
Yeah, I mean, it really was a funny
story if you think about it. You just
have to put it in to context, and that
reporter didn't do that...
THE NEIGHBOR JUST STARES.
LARRY (CONT'D)
One day, it will be funny. I promise.
Hey, at least your daughter was in Vanity
Fair. That's cool, right? Something to
talk about at the office, maybe?
Anyway, is Jessica home? I have
something for her.
NEIGHBOR
Jessica!
JESSICA COMES TO THE DOOR.
JESSICA
What do you want?
LARRY
I feel really bad about that whole
thing a couple weeks ago. I just
wanted to apologize. I got these for
you.
SHE TAKES THE BAG AND OPENS IT UP.
NEIGHBOR
What is it?
JESSICA
The bathing suits!
NEIGHBOR
You bought my little girl swimsuits?
What kind of sick--
LARRY
It's not such a big deal, you know.
Just because I know she wanted them-
JESSICA
I don't like them. Daddy already got
me the ones I like.
LARRY
I knew red wasn't your color! I was
telling my friend...Anyway, you can
take them back--
NEIGHBOR
What's the matter with you, David? You
don't think I can afford swimsuits for
my girl?
LARRY
It's not that. She just said--
NEIGHBOR
I got news for you, I make more money
on a weekend then you make all year.
LARRY
I don't doubt it. It's not about money-
NEIGHBOR
Tell me this, David. What kind of sick
twisted guy goes and buys bathing
suits for little girls? I ought to
report you to somebody!
LARRY PRETENDS TO ITCH HIS NOSE AND THEN RELEASES A VERY FAKE
LOOKING, SLOBBERY SNEEZE ON HIS NEIGHBOR.
LARRY
Excuse me. I don't know where that
came from.
NEIGHBOR
Did you just fake sneeze on me?
LARRY
No, I have a cold.
NEIGHBOR
You fake sneezed. I can't believe it.
Jessica honey, go call daddy's lawyer.
You'll be hearing from me, David!
HE TAKES THE SWIMSUITS AND THROWS THEM ON HIS WET LAWN. THE
LITTLE SHITZU PICKS THEM UP AND RUNS UNDER SOME BUSHES.
THE NEIGHBOR SLAMS HIS DOOR.
LARRY
Come here, dog. Come here!
BEFORE HE CAN RESCUE THE SUITS, THE DOG PEES ON THEM.
INT: LARRY'S HOUSE, LATER
SHERYL
So?
LARRY
It's getting worse.
SHERYL
What happened?
LARRY
I fake sneezed on him.
SHERYL
You what?
LARRY
I fake sneezed.
SHERYL
You didn't!
LARRY
And I got caught. I was trying to
sneeze on him for real, but I just
can't do it on command. So I faked it
and spit up all over him.
SHERYL
Larry! You spit on him?
LARRY
It was a sneeze!
SHERYL
So? Did the girl at least like the
suits?
LARRY
Her dad already bought her the ones
she wanted. He threw them on the lawn,
and get this, his dog peed on them.
SHERYL LAUGHS.
SHERYL
Peed on them?
LARRY
He threw them out on the lawn and his
miserable dog picked them up and pissed
all over them. Can you believe that?
SHERYL
You never were an animal lover.
LARRY
Yeah, well, I'm going to eat an extra
animal at dinner tonight, just for
that.
SHERYL
So now you don't like kids or small
dogs?
LARRY
You know, everything was fine before
Vanity Fair. I gotta go see if I can
return these now. See you at dinner.
EXT: BEVERLY CENTER, PARKING LOT
LARRY LOCKS HIS CAR AND WALKS OVER TO THE ESCALATOR. HE SEES
THE REPORTER FROM VANITY FAIR.
LARRY
Vicki!
VICKI
Hi Larry. I've got great feedback on
that article.
LARRY
I bet you did! My neighbor hates me. I
can't believe you printed that line
about his daughter.
VICKI
You said it.
LARRY
I know I said it, but I didn't mean it
like that. I was joking. That's what I
do. And anyway, you left out the part
about the sneeze.
VICKI
What about the sneeze?
LARRY
That she sneezed on me. That's why I
called her a 'bitch.'
VICKI
Sneezing's not against the law.
LARRY
I know, but without it, people don't
get why I called her that. It's
totally out of context.
SHE TAKES OUT HER TAPE RECORDER.
VICKI
So if I understand you correctly, you
think it was okay to label a little
girl a 'bitch' because she sneezed on
you by accident.
LARRY
It wasn't an accident! Her dad told
her to.
VICKI
And she can sneeze on command?
LARRY
I don't know. I just know he said,
"Jessica, sneeze on him" and she did.
VICKI
(in to tape recorder)
Larry David starts to sweat. He seems
nervous and agitated. Splotchy...
LARRY
Forget it...that's the last time I do
a favor, let me tell you that!
VICKI
Bye Larry. Thanks again!
INT: ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH
LARRY APPROACHES THE REGISTER.
CASHIER
Can I help you?
LARRY
Yeah, I need to return these.
HE GIVES THE CASHIER HIS CREDIT CARD.
CASHIER
Sure. Were either of these worn?
LARRY
Worn? No.
CASHIER
Because if they were worn or used, I
can't give you a refund.
LARRY
I didn't wear them, that's for sure.
Do I look like I could wear them?
CASHIER
I'm not saying that, sir.
SHE SMELLS THEM.
CASHIER (CONT'D)
They don't smell new.
LARRY
Since they didn't pass the smell test,
you don't want to give me my money
back?
CASHIER
Calm down. They kind of smell like
pee.
LARRY
Look, I thought you're supposed to
take back anything.
CASHIER
We do...
(glances at credit card)
Mr. David, as long as it's in a
condition where we can resell it.
LARRY
So put it on a hook and sell it!
CASHIER
You're the guy that was buying the
suit for his neighbor, right?
LARRY
Yes! Exactly.
CASHIER
I read that article in Vanity Fair.
You called that little girl a 'bitch.'
LARRY
I was taken entirely out of context.
It's a long story.
CASHIER
I'm sorry, but we can't give you a
refund.
LARRY
Because of what I said? C'mon, that's
ridiculous.
CASHIER
(sternly)
Sorry, I don't make the policy here.
It smells like urine.
LARRY
Fine! See if I ever shop here again.
AS HE'S WALKING OUT, THE NEIGHBOR AND HIS DAUGHTER WALK IN.
LARRY (CONT'D)
Boy, am I glad to see you two. You
gotta tell that girl that the suits
were never worn.
NEIGHBOR
Leave us alone, David. I'b sick. It's
your fault!
LARRY
You're sick and you think it's my
fault?
NEIGHBOR
You sneebed on me.
LARRY
My sneeze was a fake sneeze. Like
this.
HE FAKE SNEEZES AGAIN ALL OVER HIS NEIGHBOR. PEOPLE START
BACKING UP.
JESSICA
Nasty, daddy!
LARRY
So if you got sick, it was Jessica's
fault.
NEIGHBOR
(stuffed up)
You just don't give up, do you? First
you call the cobs on her lemonade
stand, then you attack her in the
magazine, and now you're accusing her
of spreading diseases.
LARRY
Look, you're obviously not going to
see it my way, and I'm not going to
see it yours, so let's just put it
behind us.
NEIGHBOR
THIS MAN HATES KIDS! HE'S A KID HATER!
LARRY
Hey! Keep it down!
NEIGHBOR
HE HATES THEM. HE DOES ANYTHING HE
CAN TO DESTROY THEIR LITTLE LIVES!
JESSICA STARTS TO CRY.
LARRY
I don't. It was Jessica's fault. She
started it!
THE SECURITY GUARD APPROACHES.
SECURITY GUARD
I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
LARRY
Me? I didn't do anything. It was him.
And I want my money back for these
girls' swimsuits!
SECURITY GUARD
Sir, please don't make any more
trouble.
HE TAKES LARRY BY THE ARM AND WALKS HIM TOWARDS THE EXIT.
LARRY
I didn't do anything! I just want to
get a refund!
NEIGHBOR
Who's the bitch now, David?
EXT: BEVERLY CENTER, PARKING LOT
THE SECURITY GUARD ESCORTS LARRY TO THE EXIT.
LARRY
Thanks. I couldn't have found it
without you.
LARRY LOOKS AT THE GUARD AND CONTORTS HIS FACE, TRYING TO
SNEEZE, BUT IT JUST WON'T COME. FINALLY, HE WALKS AWAY.
LARRY (CONT'D)
What's the use?
AS HE WALKS TO HIS CAR...
FADE OUT.